If you want transition to be easier, you have to have this
I stood in a circle of Sicilians loudly singing "going to the chapel and we're gonna get maaarriiiedddd" as we celebrated one of my best friend's engagements to her girlfriend with her family. It was midnight and we the celebration was going strong. I've spend many holidays with this family and have never felt less than wholeheartedly welcome. I ran into the kitchen for a refill of champagne and overheard my friend's dad ask something about me, referring to me as "she." He immediately got popped in the arm by my friend's mom, "Them!" He gave a huge shrug and said, "I didn't know!" She said, "Well, now you do!" My friend's dad came around and gave me a big hug and said he was so happy I was there and that I was family. I believed him.
The word "family" has always been an interesting one to me. As an adopted child, I didn't have any blood relatives, only legal ones. This fact that blood was taken out of the equation let me consider different definitions of "family" from a very young age. When I came out and my relationship with my family became very strained, my chosen family were the ones that got me through. The people that make up that chosen family have changed over the years but at this point in my life, I can say with confidence that I have people in my life that I consider to be "kin." I've thought a lot about what sorts of community and connections I want to cultivate in my own life and have landed on the term, "kinship." To me, kinship brings to mind a sense of family, of deep connection, of people who have your back.
As a double-Capricorn, only child, adopted, queer kid from the South, my go-to mode is to assume that I am an island and that I have to be entirely self-sufficient and not need too much. It has been one of the greatest and most joyful lessons of my life to find out that it's not true. A lesson that I'm continuing to learn.
In all the research on marginalized populations that we have, including transgender and non-binary folks, we know that having strong connections with friends, family, and community is what we call a "social determinate of health." Social determinates of health are cultural, life circumstance, and environmental factors that impact one's physical and mental health and are mostly responsible for mental and physical health inequalities we see today.
For transgender and gender non-conforming folks, one major social determinate of health is the fact that many folks, especially those from more rural areas, don't have these strong connections with others and don't feel supported in their transition. Having fewer resources for support is absolutely a reality for many people that I don't want to minimize. AND one of the things I hear very frequently from my clients is a pretty common set of limiting beliefs that stop them from fully accessing or finding the support and kinship connections that are available or could be available with some creativity and time investment.
Do any of these thoughts feel familiar to you?
I feel bad for making people "deal" with my trans/non-binary identity so I'm not going to talk about it
It's going to make people awkward if I talk about my identity/expression/pronouns/name change
(for my non-binary, imposter syndrome folks) My transgender friends won't fully accept my non-binary identity because it isn't trans enough...so I'm just not going to talk about it.
There's no way my friend's older Sicilian father who worked in some sort of financial business something and plays in a Bacci ball league is going to accept me for who I am or understand they/them pronouns. (cough, cough)
I live in a rural town so there is absolutely no way that I can ever get social support and I'm doomed to feel alone forever.
My identity isn't that big of a deal so I feel silly talking about it
Online friends aren't real friends.
I'm not 100% certain that my (Insert friend or family member that has some flags of being supportive) will accept and love me, so I won't ever take the risk to build trust with them.
If I could tell you one things today, it's this: You aren't an island AND you have more resources than you think.
Also:
Your existence is not a burden.
Discomfort is not harm.
You are trans enough. I promise.
Support might come in ways and people that are unexpected if you give people a chance to build trust with you.
Rural towns often have a few "black sheep" that you can find to build community with. There might also be some really wonderful people who may not get the lingo, but are still supportive of you to the best of their ability. It's about progress, not perfection. Queer, Trans, and Non-Binary folks live everywhere, so watch those assumptions about being the only one in your geographic area.
Being seen and known for who you are is a huge thing for all humans. Give yourself permission to ask to be seen. You deserve it, boo.
The internet is a wonderful place. Many of you are in my Facebook group (link below) where almost 1000 trans/non-binary folks are loving and supporting each other daily. It's a beautiful thing. I know it's not the same as in-person, but video chats can go along way and plane/bus tickets can be bought. Don't discount an online community as a true source of support.
Trust is built. We don't usually start out a trusting relationship with a full "marble jar" (to use Brene Brown language) of trust. We may not be 100% certain that someone will support us and that can feel scary and dangerous (and it sometimes is), but we also have the ability to look for context clues about someone's values and disclose small amounts of information to see how they respond (ex: I was watching Pose the other day and.....).
How do we curate more kinship in our lives as trans and non-binary folks, even when that support doesn't seem readily available? It's a journey, but asking ourselves the following questions is a good place to start:
Who are the people you have soundly in your corner already? Are you holding yourself back from them for any of the limiting beliefs above (or other limiting beliefs)?
Who are your "potentials"? These are people who have some promise for being supportive but you need to put in the time and effort to build trust.
What are your resources outside of your geographic area? Maybe these are online groups, conferences and conventions, friends who live far away, your favorite authors or musicians, etc. Are you using these resources?
Want to dig in deeper?
